I Might Be A Psychic


Doom, gloom, anxiety and a stalker in the shadows, I just could not shake the feelings I’ve been having over the past few weeks.

I thought today would put those feelings to rest, but as I walked what seemed like a plank into my doctor’s appointment to find out the results of my labs, I was confronted with those fears coming true.

“Your counts are elevated”, I think that’s what she said, because I went into an epic meltdown letting every bad feeling come to the surface.

My mind had me believing that I should run, tell my doctor that I’m done and ruin what little reputation I had left because of the way I was behaving, I think a few F bombs came out.

I stood up ready for my dramatic exit (my poor husband trying to hear the plan with a look of shear sadness across his face) and I said “I’ll do what’s needed to stay in remission”.

I’m not sure where that came from, the parking lot and a quick get a way seemed so much more inviting and a tantrum while doing it seemed even better.

But I do want to stay in remission and I listened to the plan.  Weekly steroids, a new weekly chemo added unto my existing one and a very good chance those labs will be normal again.

As I walked out the door heading towards infusion with tissues flying from my bag, a boy not small enough to be in a stroller with a mask on came strolling towards me.  He and his parents are my heroes.

I am the lucky one.

Some bad side effects to deal with, for a chance at remission the warriors I encounter would surely trade.

I discovered that my $9.99 minute psychic phone calls might not be such a good idea, because I’m not a psychic but a gal who was feeling the reality of Multiple Myeloma. The MM road is bumpy and I am not immune.

I am the lucky one.

I Had A Stalker


I had a stalker and his name is Cancer.

There are times I felt him around every corner.

He liked to paralyze me with the fear that he was going to kill me.  He’d already beaten me down and made me aware of what it would feel like when he finally got me.

And boy was he tricky.

Sometimes I had nothing to worry about but I felt him stalking anyway because I started thinking about him.

I’m almost three years in remission and I’m now watching some of my fellow Multiple Myeloma Warriors fall prey to his ways.

So I decided to face him again.

 I told him how much he’s changed some things in my life for the better.  How many incredible warriors I’ve met and how many wonderful friendships have been formed.  I let him know that no matter how fearful he makes me, my heart just keeps growing and I know I am a better person because of him.  And those Warriors who have seen him return with a vengeance, they encourage me with their strength and make me see that everyday counts.  I let him know that I’d be ok if he came around from time to time, because I’m learning to reach out when I’m scared and others have let me know they understand and will walk beside me in my fears.

And then he disappeared.

How Do You Do It?


A dear Multiple Myeloma friend passed this along to me for she knows we are often asked this very question as though we are special and have the secret to continuing life after cancer.

Now I do believe this friend might have angel wings, because I wonder myself how she does it.

 I often think when I see people with challenges that I’ve not or will never experience in my own life, what keeps them going with convictions, strengths and the will to inspire others, often times with love in their hearts and encouragement to share.

And then I had my answer.

There is no secret of how you do it, but accepting you must.

You discover parts of yourself that need to become stronger or ones you never knew you had.

I’m strong willed.

I love.

I want to give.

I want to live.

I want to stay positive.

I can handle this.


It’s All About Family


I just returned home from an adventure that included 17 members of my family gathering for a remarkable 5 days in Oakley, Utah on a ranch.

Everyday included adventures such as white water rafting, skeet shooting, horseback riding and just about anything the 17 of us could think of doing while gathering at Twilight Moon Ranch.

I relished every moment with my own family, so happy that my three children could be together with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, playing like they did when they were younger.

And there was no talk of cancer.

I was free, not from chemo and side effects, but from thinking about it.

Sure there was some long naps and some queasy moments, but not once did I think I was a weak link, nor did anyone else.

We hadn’t even left when talk of where our next adventure would be, because for all of us, no matter what each one of us is going through…

It’s all about family.

It really does see us through.


The Results Are In


It only took, a week and a half, two phone calls, a text, a ton of worry and one visit to my Doctor to finally get the results of my Bone Marrow Biopsy.

The new test can track all the way to residual sequences detected per million nucleated cells and I have 2,799 lingering F***ers  per million cells still residing somewhere in my body.

This new test concludes that I have not achieved remission, but hold your horses, that’s not what the standard test reveals, so we are going with that.

My Doctor along with other clinicians still do not know what to do with these new detailed test except to up our chemo doses and hope that in 6 months I will have another Bone Marrow Biopsy that will be clear.

And I am relieved.

I’d like to hear that no cancer can be detected, but I am one of the lucky ones.  My body has responded to a Stem Cell Transplant and being on a chemo maintenance program, so there is so much to be grateful for.

I just refuse to give those residual F***ers any more of my energy, instead focusing on what a miracle the rest of my good cells are.

So here’s to hope for a great future and I’m thinking a new pair of shoes, to celebrate that this fashionista still has many new outfits ahead!

It’s The Waiting…


There’s a day each one of us cancer patients dreads…

Bone Marrow Biopsy Day!

A procedure where they drill down into your hip bone to retrieve marrow and possibly a fragment of bone for testing to see if there are any cancer cells creeping around in your system.

I’ve had too many to count.  Some I’ve chosen to be knocked out for, some with oral drugs, but all with the same anxiety that seems to creep up on me when I’m due for one.

I’m not sure if all my anxiety is from the prospect of having a drill penetrate my bone or that in a few weeks I’ll have the results.

City Of Hope now has the technology to test all the way to the molecule, so in a few weeks I will know if the 19 molecules out of a million cells I was told I had before will have been killed off by the amount of chemo I’ve been taking.

I use to wish away weeks to get to what I wanted before, I try not to do that anymore as each week is so precious to me now.

So while it’s the waiting that is the hardest part right now, I’m going to enjoy each day, keep a positive attitude and maybe only call a few times this week to see if the results are in.

Can’t We Just Keep This About ME


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when you get cancer in your family there should be a pass for all other medical problems.

This isn’t working out so well for me because 30 years ago I decided to marry a man so unlike myself, who’s motto is “Go Big or Go Home” and he’s passed his dare devil ways unto my children.  They love sports with wheels, engines, mountains and travel that takes them to places I’ve never dreamt of going.

This handsome devil in the picture is my son Hunter, who rides his BMX bike everyday after work with the pros and challenges himself like he’s partaking in their next big tournament.  Last week had him landing on his stomach and rupturing his spleen.

Just like their father, they have the will and strength to brush off these injuries and make it their mission to get back to adventure.

Mom here as always played it safe, lectured it’s time to quit and has tried any way I can to guilt them into taking up chess.

I know there has to be a lesson in this somewhere, because Ms Safe here is the one who got cancer doing nothing.  I’m hoping they now see, that I too am forging ahead with what life is throwing at me and I don’t even have a great tale to tell about what got me on this adventure to begin with.

Hunter is going to make a full recovery, Mom’s emotions are trying to do so too.

 I’m beginning to let go of the bubble I’d like the whole family to be in.  We all want to live forever and we know how that goes, so maybe the Zip Line isn’t such a bad idea on our next family vacation.

While I’d like for everyone to just make life about me, I do believe the only where that is going to happen is on this blog.