Words

 

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I have tried to start a blog post about 25 times in the past month, but I just had too much on my mind and couldn’t find the right words to say it.

I had a plan, stay in remission for 10-15 years.  I came up with this idea after asking my doctor numerous times how long some of her patients had stayed in remission after stem cell transplants.  Being the competitive patient I am, I was going to beat that.

Falling out of remission put such a kink in my plan I was devastated beyond what I could really express to those who love and support me. And I was lonely.  I have put my journey out in the public, but I don’t want to express at times what a drag it can be, so I choose to show it through clothing.

There are fears all of us cancer patients hide deep inside, death, pain, disfigurement and leaving our loved ones, but the one I had never let creep up into the forefront was the feeling I just did not want to fight anymore.

 I think I’m done.

I tried to make it go away, but 3 and half years on treatment and hearing I’d have to add more to hopefully live with its new side effects for a few more, just seemed too much.  I have an incurable cancer and staying in treatment is what will buy me years, but how do I want to live those?

 NOT ON DOCTOR’S ORDERS, I stopped treatment for 4 weeks to live my life and get a taste of what that would be like. Oh it was fun.  But then something happened along the way.  Cancer markers started rising, CAT scan showing active lesions on bones.  This monster is going to get control of me.

Suddenly every ache and pain was cancer.  I was certain my kidneys were failing, I’ve obsessively checked every urination.  Certain my back was going to break I became so stressed out that I rolled on a massager every night in hopes that it was just a pulled muscle.

I am NOT DONE!

Was it really me who thought I was going to tell my doctor that new treatments should begin after the holidays?  During my last appointment those silly words didn’t have a chance of leaving my mouth.

 I strutted into my first 10 hour Immunotherapy treatment a few days ago in the cutest leisure wear, with a positive attitude which was certainly due because of feeling and  releasing all the negative ones.

So far I’m still standing, I know there will be more to come, but I’m imagining it’s all the bad cells being killed off and I’m so ready for them to be gone.

My heart has played an enormous roll in my cancer journey, for it is where I keep all my love for you and where all yours goes.

But my mind has played the most important one.

It’s best on this journey to get the words out of it.

 

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