Stuck

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A Cancer Patient

Donna

Donna A Cancer Patient

This past week after my hospitalization has found me stuck.  Can you really be hit again and again with the reality of your situation and not finally just accept it?

Every time I have one of these setbacks the heaviness of it all weighs me down and everything I know to be true, that my whole life has lead me here to use the talents I have to inspire others, I decide I just want to be Donna again.

Three years mentoring, The Cancer Fashionista, media, weekly visits to City Of Hope and somewhere along the way strutting my fashionista self, I forget that I am an actual cancer patient.  The armor of getting dressed and helping others, shields the reality of it for me and then a wake up call.

I know I am no different than anyone else out there suffering, it’s not the why me I question, but can I see the list and make my own decision, because this one just seems a little too much right now.

So I did what is so very important to do on this road, I met with my fellow Multiple Myeloma Warrior and I talked and talked and talked.  We end everyone of these times together acknowledging how much cancer sucks, but boy is our friendship such a blessing, one that would not of occurred without being on the same path.

And I decided it was way overdue to be what I should be…

Me.

I am mom, friend, sister, daughter, wife and many things in between.

My name is Donna and I am a cancer patient.

My Love/Hate Relationship With Treatment

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There is no doubt in my mind that treatment saved my life, yet at the same time I question if it is also taking it.

I think most of us long term in treatment patients can attest to our love/hate relationship with it.

This past week was a wake up call to how something so invaluable in keeping me in remission has side effects that can also debilitate me.

After going on a much stronger regimen of chemo and steroids I was hit with a backache so severe it sent me to the emergency room where I was first informed through an X-ray that there was a possible leak in my intestine, possibly from it being weakened from steroids.

I was prepped for surgery and was informed after a CAT scan that no hole could be detected, but my hate for steroids and all other treatments took a hold of me and I started to question if I ever wanted to be on them again.

Now days away and home from this experience, I can now see the wake up call that was needed in my treatment journey.

I had become lazy, in denial and so not productive in my own care.  I did not ask questions or raise concerns when my body did not feel right.

The truth is, I need treatment and I have to find a balance between all the medicine that is given, back pain, here’s a pain killer, constipated, here’s some Miralax and find a balance between how I can use alternative healthier ways to deal with side effects.

Some of my best advice comes from other patients and I’m now listening.

There is a gratitude that can’t be denied.  I am so fortunate to have treatments that saved me from cancer and added years that would not of been possible a very short time ago.  I just can’t forget my own treatments and voice and remember that I too have control over what remedies work for me away from the medicine cabinet.

So here’s to future colonics,  a big list of questions for my doctor and a big wake up call that I’m just as important in my own care as the medical experts.