I Might Be A Psychic

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Doom, gloom, anxiety and a stalker in the shadows, I just could not shake the feelings I’ve been having over the past few weeks.

I thought today would put those feelings to rest, but as I walked what seemed like a plank into my doctor’s appointment to find out the results of my labs, I was confronted with those fears coming true.

“Your counts are elevated”, I think that’s what she said, because I went into an epic meltdown letting every bad feeling come to the surface.

My mind had me believing that I should run, tell my doctor that I’m done and ruin what little reputation I had left because of the way I was behaving, I think a few F bombs came out.

I stood up ready for my dramatic exit (my poor husband trying to hear the plan with a look of shear sadness across his face) and I said “I’ll do what’s needed to stay in remission”.

I’m not sure where that came from, the parking lot and a quick get a way seemed so much more inviting and a tantrum while doing it seemed even better.

But I do want to stay in remission and I listened to the plan.  Weekly steroids, a new weekly chemo added unto my existing one and a very good chance those labs will be normal again.

As I walked out the door heading towards infusion with tissues flying from my bag, a boy not small enough to be in a stroller with a mask on came strolling towards me.  He and his parents are my heroes.

I am the lucky one.

Some bad side effects to deal with, for a chance at remission the warriors I encounter would surely trade.

I discovered that my $9.99 minute psychic phone calls might not be such a good idea, because I’m not a psychic but a gal who was feeling the reality of Multiple Myeloma. The MM road is bumpy and I am not immune.

I am the lucky one.

I Had A Stalker

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I had a stalker and his name is Cancer.

There are times I felt him around every corner.

He liked to paralyze me with the fear that he was going to kill me.  He’d already beaten me down and made me aware of what it would feel like when he finally got me.

And boy was he tricky.

Sometimes I had nothing to worry about but I felt him stalking anyway because I started thinking about him.

I’m almost three years in remission and I’m now watching some of my fellow Multiple Myeloma Warriors fall prey to his ways.

So I decided to face him again.

 I told him how much he’s changed some things in my life for the better.  How many incredible warriors I’ve met and how many wonderful friendships have been formed.  I let him know that no matter how fearful he makes me, my heart just keeps growing and I know I am a better person because of him.  And those Warriors who have seen him return with a vengeance, they encourage me with their strength and make me see that everyday counts.  I let him know that I’d be ok if he came around from time to time, because I’m learning to reach out when I’m scared and others have let me know they understand and will walk beside me in my fears.

And then he disappeared.

How Do You Do It?

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A dear Multiple Myeloma friend passed this along to me for she knows we are often asked this very question as though we are special and have the secret to continuing life after cancer.

Now I do believe this friend might have angel wings, because I wonder myself how she does it.

 I often think when I see people with challenges that I’ve not or will never experience in my own life, what keeps them going with convictions, strengths and the will to inspire others, often times with love in their hearts and encouragement to share.

And then I had my answer.

There is no secret of how you do it, but accepting you must.

You discover parts of yourself that need to become stronger or ones you never knew you had.

I’m strong willed.

I love.

I want to give.

I want to live.

I want to stay positive.

I can handle this.

AND I MUST.