Finding A Purpose


It always takes me a couple of weeks to recover from a set back, not just physically but emotionally too.

This past week has seen me rather grouchy, feeling isolated, feeling a lot of self pity and a whole lot of thinking about cancer.

Oh and lets not forget to mention manic.  I’ve run more nonsense errands, cleaned more deep corners and purchased way too much in what I believe to be an effort to once again take control of my life.  Kind of a “see look what I can do cancer, you can’t keep me down with pneumonia and don’t even think about rearing your ugly head”.

I needed a purpose to the madness again and this came in the form of speaking to Spectrum Pharmaceuticals, the company that manufactures the cancer drug that made my transplant possible.

It is so wonderful that the medical community wants to hear from us patients, when so often our voice is lost in trying to save our lives.

I felt so empowered sharing what I and many others patients go through in having a transplant and the company was so gracious wanting to put a face on the people they work endlessly to save.

So maybe there is a purpose to the madness, I’m beginning to feel this way again.

 There might be a few more pity party shopping deliveries coming to my door, but the only nonsense errands I’ll be running in the next week is returning them.  Ok, maybe I’ll keep a few!

Reality Check


There are times in the journey I call reality checks, this past week was one of those times.

I was diagnosed with a respiratory virus that effects infants called RSV which led to pneumonia.  Reality check…I really do have a weak and immature immune system.

Five days in the hospital receiving IV antibiotics in a unit reserved for us cancer patients with respiratory issues.  Reality check…I might not die from cancer but from all the complications from being treated for it.

There was so much reality during this stay that I felt a complete meltdown coming on. These setbacks can take on as big of an emotional toll on your body as the physical one that caused it.

My family and friends who love me, like to list out the realities I’m already overwhelmed with.  You should not travel again, you need to take it easy, you don’t listen to your body, I will be monitoring your every move.  Somehow the only thing I’m hearing is, THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!!

Please be aware the ones that love us cancer patients, we are living everyday to escape our reality.  If not going on that trip can spare us a little more time, no thanks.  Most of us need to keep moving or we’d be giving in to the one thing cancer loves the most, FEAR!

So while I’ve had many reality checks in the past week, the most important has occurred since I’ve been home, the reality that I’m pretty darn strong, this did not break me and I’m getting dressed.