It took me over 2 years to finally host a dinner party.
Always frightened to make the commitment with my mind thinking, what if I’m tired, what if my body hurts, what if, what if, what if…….”
Last night saw me get over those “ifs” and entertain the table mates from the wedding we celebrated with last month in Deer Valley. I enjoyed every moment of it and not once let myself believe it could be ruined or not fully enjoyed by that now old nagging feeling of “what if”?
I’ve hosted a baby shower and a luncheon for friends, but there was always fear lurking in the back of my mind that I would somehow let other’s down by needing to cancel or not bringing my A game to the table. I don’t think I fully enjoyed the experience because I was more focused on “phew, I did it” instead of enjoying the day. I don’t know one friend who wouldn’t of been supportive and understanding if needed, but I was unwilling to do that for me.
Sometimes the recovery from cancer makes you think that you can’t get back to the things you use to love and takes away the confidence you use to have to do so. You must discover little by little that you can and most importantly, give yourself grace along the way if things don’t turn out as planned.
I had a dinner party last night and if I do say so myself, the best part of the whole evening was the hostess, who radiated confidence, enjoyed her friends and discovered she was rid of those nagging feelings and accepted that none of us knows what next weekend has in store, but we have each other to plan something fun and if we can’t make it, there’s always the following week.
Check your mail, there might be an invite coming soon.